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Drop Your Pants

[PG] Only mildly naughty in speech, and there's bound to be sparks whenever Holmes and Watson bicker.

Introduction

It all started with someone writing the line of dialogue, "Watson, drop your patients and come to the Continent with me." Then somebody misread "pants" for "patients," wicked chuckles were had by all, and one result is this delightful bit by Irene Adler, going right to the root of miscommunication and spotlighting Holmes's overly demanding nature. (The Americanism of "pants" for "trousers" can also be read another way, as seen in the comments at the end.) The author had this to say:

Ever since the whole misreading of "drop your patients" was generated I have had this snippet of dialogue floating around in my brain, so I'm spitting it out here so it'll stop bothering me:

With the author's permission, this story has now been translated into Chinese by newsherlock. Enjoy!

Drop Your Pants

by Irene Adler

"Watson! Are you busy?"

"Actually, I am, rather."

"I am sorry, but it can't be helped. I need you this instant. It's urgent."

"Urgent, Holmes?"

"I'm afraid so. You must drop your pants and come with me to the Continent."

"I beg your pardon?!?"

"My dear fellow, I am sorry if I have offended you. Of course if your practice is particularly hectic--"

"My practice is not particularly hectic, as it happens, but what has that got to do with my pants?"

"Your pants?"

"As I'm sure you know, my practice has never been hectic. How could I possibly build a thriving practice when every time I am on the verge of establishing a sound client base you come running in here with some extravagant tale about vampires in Sussex or missing rugby players or any excuse to drag me out of here on another wild goose chase--"

"Wild goose chase! Now that really is unfair, Watson. This is my livelihood."

"Well, this is mine, but that's never seemed to impress you before."

"Watson--"

"And you don't even ask any more. It's always, 'The game's afoot, Watson!' 'Go live on the moors with the Baskervilles, Watson!' 'What do you know about the giant rats of Sumatra, Watson?' 'Here, see what you can do for this thumbless engineer, Watson--'"

"You brought that case to me!"

"All right, perhaps I did."

"I thought you enjoyed our adventures."

"I do."

"Then what is all this about?"

"I'm sick of your arrogant way of taking it for granted that the instant you stride in here with that look on your face and that spark in your eye I'll do anything you ask. Because even if it is true, it's ungentlemanly of you to presume upon it--"

"My dear Watson--"

"--and now that you've finally figured out why, do you come over here with soft words and protestations of devotion? No, of course not--"

"But Watson, I had no idea of--"

"No, the great Sherlock Holmes has to barge imperiously on in with 'Drop your pants this instant, Watson!'"

"Now that is not what I said--"

"Or words to that effect. Well, this is the end of the line, Holmes. Gratified as I am to see that the true nature of our friendship has finally impressed itself upon your mind, I must stand firm."

"My dear fellow, I would expect nothing less from you."

"If you want pants dropped around here, then you must drop your own."

"By all means, Watson. But perhaps you would close the drapes first."

Notes

pants
Does anyone see a Freudian slip in Holmes's misspeaking? And in his not being aware of doing it, either?
thumbless engineer
The story in question is "The Engineer's Thumb" wherein Victor Hatherly gets his thumb chopped off and is taken to Watson's practice for medical help before Watson takes Hatherly over to Holmes to solve his case.

Comments

Now there's a guestbook from which I will copy the comments. Sample comments would look like this:

  1. Jack Coup; Drop your pants; 11 September 2001
    Pants in Britain means underpants- your kegs, y-fronts, slips, knickers etc; all are pants. So this isn't actually that deviating from the English speech.
  2. Cress; Drop your pants; 11 September 2001
    Okay, thanks for the elucidation, Jack. Trousers = American pants. Pants = American underwear.
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